What if...

I never get my sanity back?
if in 3 years i still freak out about everything that happened?

Because...

it isnt what did happen, it is what didn't happen
its that someone could jsut go on, not telling, lying to my face about it.

So what if i dont really get over it?

Wow

So maybe I was right all along.

Can you be more attached because youre more disconnected?

Like lets say you love someone so much, and that makes you insecure and feeling unworthy. You love someone and in a way it makes you feel like youre crazy. And they let you, they let you go on feeling crazy whether you deserve it or not. You feel horrible, youre love, everything good in your life, it makes everything bad. You expect so much, want so much, and everything falls short. Then, then you realize it, for whatever reason, that just because you both love each other, it doesn't mean they won't do you wrong. They hurt you, and not because youre crazy, because everything you loved about them, they violated that. Then everyhting changes. See, you can't stop loving that person, you don't think you ever could. But suddenly, that attachment, that almost obsession, it doesn't feel worth it anymore. You know that things could, that you could be used, you could be hurt. You might not, but if you aren't so attached, it won't hurt so much, it won't mean so much, if, or when, it all ends. You are disconnected. Everything you have, it's nice, it's still what you want, but it is not what you will fight for, it is not what you would necessarily out yourself on the line for. It isn't your time to put yourself on the line, you fought the battle long enough. So now, you still love, but you aren't crazy, and because of that things aren't constantly made bad. You expect nothing, so you aren't let down. It doesn't have an affect on you if they violate everything again, because you are now capable of simply walking away. Now, you can almost love them more, because you are more disconnected.

Is that ridiculous?

I know its cheesy, but if someone ever asked me to marry them with 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift I would cry with happiness, or maybe just him. Maybe it owuldn't be the same if it happened with someone else.

Insecurity gets the best of me

How is that I love him so much, and I believe in him, but the minute we aren't texting or talking I feel like we are going to break up?

How can I let some girl, some silly little girl, get inside my head? some girl he doesnt see? some girl he hasnt been dating for over 2 years?

See cause i say he is perfect, and he says no he is perfect for me. I fall asleep in his arms covered by his body, fitting perfectly there and I know its true, but the one day we go without talking I am in tears freaking out wondering if I have wasted two years on something that is falling apart?

Can i keep blaming it on only seeing him once a week? Can I keep up happiness with this rollercoaster of emotions ive been going through?

Why can't I trust? Why am I not sure of myself? Why are his words, and most of his actions, not good enough? He deserves better than that. He didnt betray my trust anymore than i betrayed his i think. He did me wrong, i did him wrong, I take him back, he takes me back. Right? Cause I love him, and he loves me.

The problem is I really cant explain how cut in half I feel when he isnt around, and i dont even have my best friend there to make it all okay when im walking around so incomplete. And when i try to tell him there is nothign i can do. I cant go to Albion, I cant afford I private school, I cant leave the oppurtunity i have been given, i got scholarships here, i went here because it is the cheapest. And I cant make him come to UM and who knows if he can get scholarships here... so here we are stuck for at least 3.5 more years... What now?

But it isnt like we can talk about it when we barely talk and rarely see each other, I want to fill that time with happiness. I wish that I believed in myself enough to know that I am worthy, and he loves me enough to make this work no matter hwo long we are apart, because it isnt really him I dont trust. Its my confidence, I dont feel worthy :(

Everything

Remember when 'everything you want' as my song, cause no matter how much someone was perfect for me it jsut wasnt for me? What if that is my life?

I dont know what Im talking about. I found love and happiness, sometimes I just forget what he sounds like, and sometimes I guess he just forgets to call. I really think I am depressed, and I can only say it here, cause I am almost positive only Jill Margo and Tajalli get on, and if Jimmy knew then I wouldnt care, but it isnt how lifes supposed to be.

College is supposed to be great, but I cry like everyday, and I am not always sure why. The minute I am left alone somewhere i feel like the whole world is falling apart, and the funny thing is that I keep trying to be alone, like maybe I get some sick satisfacton out of it...

nothing to me, and i dont know why

I will always remember...

...the crazy, stupid nights in my garage
...three proms
...driving around for hours, listening to music
...the promises of friends forever that we made, and watching those fall short
...supermaning so many hoes
...going to movie after movie
...laying around, in the sun, in the basement, on stage, in parks, everywhere
...laser-tagging all night
...walking around all day in pajama pants
...Miley Cyrus

...the way you loooked at me last night
...sitting in my car for hours, talking about any and everything
...heroes

...Margo, Effrem, Jimmy, Jill, Annescia, Joe, Josh, Nick, Pookie, Amanda, Tremayne, Fred, Brenna, Karys, Byron, Hallie, Carrie, Mallory, Trissy, Niemah, Anastasia, Lindsay, and all the people who made memories with me